Tag: Failures

Super Depress Right Now

I am currently working part time jobs while I work on my business. It have been super hard. I am currently trying to get my certification in computer programmer, however, I am doing though my state. The process is super slow and I have financially having a hard time. I am trying not think so much about how my store is getting no views…

Holiday are right around the corner which reminds me how I don’t have family to support me. It just remind me how alone I am.

I have friends but I don’t know how long that will last. I mean I have been told in personal test that I am no good with interpersonal relationships. And the last few years, I have seen that. Friendship for me normally run from 1 to 3 years. On the surface, I am good but if I let my friends know too much about me then most likely they are to run from me.

Lately, I feel like I have made good friends but I am scary. I am telling them a lot and I am worry that it will come all falling apart again.

The only good thing about my depression is I til created good art, but I don’t know how long I kept this up. I really don’t want to be one of those artists that get famous after death. However, I don’t know how I can keep pulling myself up each time I fall. I think we all have a limited and I not sure what my limited is. Will my limtied be tomorrow, the next day, a year from now, or 10 years?

And yes, I have been fighting depression for years now. Some days it is worst then others. Right now, I maybe losses to it. And yes, I am having negative thoughts right now.

My Hardest Critic Is Me

As an artist you have to deal with criticism. However, for me my biggest critic is myself. I am very impatience went it comes to my art and I hate waiting for people to look at my art and tell me what they think. There is times I feel like I almost cannot breath due to the pressure of waiting to heard people tell me what they think.

I think it have gotten worst in past years for me. It have to do a lot with the many failures I have in my life. Such as getting an degree in Biological Engineering and never really working in my field. As well as having a divorce after 11 years of marriage with two children and losing my children in the process (which I have not seen my children in six years). I have this hidden pressure to be successful. I feel like I am trying to make up for the many failures I have experiences.

You may asked why I am talking about criticism. It is because I have to fight my own feeling that I may fail before I know the results of what kind of impact my art have on people. I was feeling so happy early today right before I release my latest chapter for Nocturnal Orphan. However, as the night went on and I got lost with my thoughts in my head that “Oh no, what if my art is not good?” “What if I did not do all I need to for the story?”

The only things that kept me from giving in to these thoughts is “what if I used this feeling for more content?” I thought of manga that I love very much call Skip Beat. The main character when though a lot of heartbreak and she was an actress in show biz. She used the painful feeling to remember what her face expression look like for acting. She used the hard times toward her professions.

I guess you could say I am writing this to talk myself out of allowing my feeling control my actions. I am not giving up.

If you would like to read Nocturnal Orphan, here is a link for you.