I am currently working part time jobs while I work on my business. It have been super hard. I am currently trying to get my certification in computer programmer, however, I am doing though my state. The process is super slow and I have financially having a hard time. I am trying not think so much about how my store is getting no views…
Holiday are right around the corner which reminds me how I don’t have family to support me. It just remind me how alone I am.
I have friends but I don’t know how long that will last. I mean I have been told in personal test that I am no good with interpersonal relationships. And the last few years, I have seen that. Friendship for me normally run from 1 to 3 years. On the surface, I am good but if I let my friends know too much about me then most likely they are to run from me.
Lately, I feel like I have made good friends but I am scary. I am telling them a lot and I am worry that it will come all falling apart again.
The only good thing about my depression is I til created good art, but I don’t know how long I kept this up. I really don’t want to be one of those artists that get famous after death. However, I don’t know how I can keep pulling myself up each time I fall. I think we all have a limited and I not sure what my limited is. Will my limtied be tomorrow, the next day, a year from now, or 10 years?
And yes, I have been fighting depression for years now. Some days it is worst then others. Right now, I maybe losses to it. And yes, I am having negative thoughts right now.
You know I have been told that I am too kind for my own good. However, the reason why making comics and create art is so important to me because I had time in my life that was so rough, breathing was hard. It seem like no matter what I did, my situation was not going to get better. However, anime was my saving grace and one anime stand out above the rest. That anime was Fairy Tail, created by Hiro Mashima. Fairy Tail is story of a world full of wizard and magic. It is name Fairy Tail after a wizard guild call Fairy Tail. The story is full of challenge the members of Fairy Tail goes thought and many time they was situation when they was fighting for their lives. However, no matter how hard the situation was they never give up. Some how they would make it tho and gain strength from it. I did not have friends or family members to help me in this dark time of my life. At the same time I was persecuted due to me liking anime. I don’t think I would have gotta so interest in anime like I am now if I was accepting for what I like.
The dark part of my life that I am talking about is right after I graduated from NC A&T State Univ with a BS degree in Biological Engineering with honors. I had trouble found work in my field and I was pressure at the time by my husband who later become my ex-husband. At the time, I did not realized that I was in a deep depression. I did not realized that I was suffering from depression and anxiety until shit hit the fan. I found my self in Duke Hospital over night for suicide attempt, put in by my husband at the time. At the time I was not suicide, but I have many time before than months ago that I have thought about it when fights got so bad between my husband and me. We did not have health relationship and I had no one to talk about the problems I was facing with him. I felt so trap back than. I did have the courage back than to talk to my husband about doing karate for my kids because I was worry for my kids more than my own self. I remember I was a mess many time during karate practices and it was working to help me to deal with the many deep emotions I had bottle up.
Title: Crying Snake, media is acrylic. When you feel so different and people treat you like a monster, it looks like this. You feel trap in a world of death. However, you can made a decide to related on your strength and craw out of it.
However, I did not know at the time, my ex-husband was planning a divorce. At first he play like it was all about getting me help. He was talking with my dad and the rest of my family behind my back. He convinced them that I had schizophrenia for my mom had it. He used to court system to keep me from my children. Also, two day after I got out of the hospital, he met me in a library and had me sign separation pages. I knew what separation pages was and asked nervous, I was not a state to think logical at that time, “what are you wanting a divorce?”
He say,”No, no, no. I just think this would be for the best. You are sick and need help. This is only temporary until you get better.”
At the time I was living in hotel room with little money my ex-husband give me and force to communicate thought my sister indirectly. I was treating like I was some kind of monster. Also, being over night in the hospital was scary. I was surround by crazy people and the bathroom was gross. The doctors was asked me when you watch anime, do you see things between the lines. My answer was I enjoy anime because it express emotions more in the stories. They say they was told to say this to me by my ex-husband and dad. My dad lie to me this day and say that he never talk with the doctors when I was over night. I don’t have a relationship with my dad or other family member, that is a story for another time.
All the people I thought I could turn to during this time, abandon me for they was mutual friends thought both my ex-husband and me. They was church members of the church I went with my ex-husband who was in school to become a pastor at Duke University.
I remember the most important thing, “Don’t Give Up NO MATTER HOW HARD THINGS ARE.” I used the separation time as a way of getting my life back the way I want. I was free to think for myself. I went hiking in the many state parks of NC. I painting beautiful landscape scenery from my hiking. I got a counselor and she encourage to keep hiking and painting. My counselor had a background in child development, I learn thought her about my speech impairment. Speech impairments are a type of communication disorder where normal speech is disrupted.
Til this day, I still consider myself as a traditional artist. When I started to feel really emotions and I cannot focus on my work. I take some time to paint and have anime play in the background of my living room. This is what have work for me.
Now I am happy as I could me for my situation. It have been five years since I seen my children and I miss them greatly. However, I am moving forward toward my goals and dreams. I have not giving up. Right now I may not have a lot of followers on social media but I have a roof over my head, food, and water. I have the things to live and have fun. So I am not living a bored life which is great.
This last Christmas, I got to hang out with friends for the first time since my divorce, I was not alone during the holidays. And I made Natsu cookies and give them to my friends as Christmas gifts.
I don’t feel like I have to be mean or mad to get people attention. I feel the opposite, that if I take a lead and show people that there is a way to have fun in this world. I think more people would prefer to have a good time instead of being upset. So when I created comics, I want to make people laugh and have a good time. I want it to be something they will enjoy. I also feel like I would have a stronger connection with them if I could reach them thought their emotions. That is how it when I read Fairy Tail manga or when I watch Fairy Tail anime. I feel connected to the characters in the story and make me want more. I am now reading Hiro Mashima next manga Edens Zero. I have become loyal fan of his. I would like to have the same connections with my own fans of my comic series.
I can openly talk about my past now and hope that this could help someone else who maybe having a hard time. If this is too kind, than I never want to change. This world need more kindness not less.
Around the holiday I feel sad so I can only paint something dark. This painting is a reflection of how I feel around this time. Holiday was not always a depression time for me. Once I was very happy and celebrate the holidays with my family. However, I no longer have family to celebrate the holiday with so holidays only bring pain to my heart.
This painting is a reflection of the pain of depression and anxiety I feel. The truth be told I am not the only one who deal with depression. Two out of five people have some form of depression and/or anxiety. My depression and anxiety is not what it use to be. I had counselor and have people who support me. I still have time when that pain will come to the surface but that is only normal with the life I have experience. I have learn overtime how to overcome depression and anxiety which my art help with that. I am able to express what I am feeling in a painting and take a step back to reflect and say to myself that it is okay to feel this way. The moment we accept that how we are feeling we can come to terms and move on from that moment.
My own depression is around my divorce. I was marry for 11 years and at the time of separation. I was having trouble with depression and anxiety. My ex-husband took advance of my depression and got the courts to take my children from me. He also twist the stories around and had my parents and sibling rejection me during the worst part of my life. The people I believe that was my friends in the church abandon me. I found myself very much alone and rebuilding my life on my own.If it have not been for me being a veteran and veteran hospital in Richmond, VA helping me during that dark side of my life. I don’t know where I would have end up. My love for anime, hiking, and painting all help. I watch anime that encourage me to not give up. I went hiking to get quiet and to cry in peace. And I painting things that I love such as views from my hiking trips, my kids, and anime fan art of course. I explored new hobbies and new communities. Basically I went soul searching in my own nerd way.
I believe as a society we need to education ourselves in mental health a whole lot more than we have. These days I heard more conversation about mental health such as being rejection from church group because they are a little different from the rest of the church, schools not understand trust issue between students and teacher in early age by doing a random shooting drill without letting the parents know, and human resource in corporation not understand micro manager can be harassment coming from supervisor because it say to the employee that you don’t true me to do my job.
First we need to understand what mental health is and what may cause a person to feel depress. Mental health is define as a person’s condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. If we look for keys words then it would be easier to understand that situation can cause someone to feel depression. Keywords such as rejection, scary, hurt, betray, distrust, being accused, and etc. If we heard these words in how a person feel or think it, it could reflection how they view the situation. However, it is not the words along that does it, it is the love they shared with the people who hurt them behind the words. It may mean they trust them first and may have thought they would never hurt me to this extent.
I think the final step would be for us to have more of a open conversation about our feeling and how our actions effects these feeling we are having. This does not just apply to individual but to companies, churches, schools, and government. All of these organizational are run by people so mental health should always be an important part in their policy.
Little Elf in big Pond of Drama, The Comic Industry USA 